Jokes, et al

Jokes, et al

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

The honeymoon cowboy

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and
we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

Little Ralphy

LITTLE RALPHY AT SCHOOL
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but Ilike your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream; The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone; The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'Well, the teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3', and I said '6'', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY,that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says,'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dressand she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one aman on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candybars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.

Little Ralphy caught a glimpse of his mother while she was stepping out of the shower. He pointed to her naked crotch and said, "Mommy, what is that?"
Mommy said, "Well, Ralphy, when mommies and daddies love each other very much and want to have a baby, the mommy goes into the forest and selects a suitable piece of wood, and brings it home to the daddy, who then chisels and carves the wood into a baby, which forest fairies turn into a real living baby. When my daddy made me, right when he got finished, his axe fell off of its hook and hit me right here, and made this cut that you should not have seen."
Ralphie looked at his mommy in disbelief and said, "Whoa, Mom, that axe hit you right in the cu**!"

Brrinngg! ... the bell rings at the whorehouse. A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.
She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"
He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws the monkey a peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."
The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first."